who am i ..really

In my little heart, I ALWAYS have this compartment that Lord.. i desire to see 'miracles' in my own life. Seriously. I felt miracles are such an amazing ways to experience God for yourself and also is a great way to share about His love. I am not sure if is stubborness or just plain stupid or just.. i am waiting for God like a little kid.. Abba i know you will give me somethng special. Just like how i waited for my husband, in my heart how desperate i was. i somehow have the peace that God is going to surprise me.and when He surprise, is going to be a VERY GOOD SURPRISE.. never will i know the person that He present is someone i fall head over heel for 3 yrs.

During this 2.5 yrs of joblessness. Yes, I slipped into depression and suicidal thoughts many times overwhelmed me. Alot may not know because I felt ashamed to tell at times. Someone who knows all the theories and read so much books why should I be the one that experience it. I felt so meaningless being in this earth and i even question should i stop breathing so another more worthy person can have my place. All the struggles and questions of my worthiness, my value,myself totally crushed.Talking about career suicide. At the age where we come out of Uni, we all have this dream of.starting our own career and life! It wasn't like that for me. It was one of the hardest journey thus far.

It was one of the most humble experience. Whenever i have to introduce myself be it knowing someone new or in a lifegroup, my heartbeat went faster and faster because I do not know how to respond to this. 'WHO AM I REALLY'. Am i define by my roles? how much money I earn? whether I have a big car big house? whether I have given to charity? do good works? how many church i planted? how many souls i saved? how many ministries i have? how many disciples i have? who am I? ..when I was with the church planting team, I am asking the same question  'who am i?', when I am here in melb where in Lg everyone of them have a JOB.. and often when it gets to my turn..  my heart was so disheartened.  'God, do You really still care for me? Have you forgotten about me?".

It was the greatest journey of stripping me into nothingness. That my value, my worth doesn't define in titles, in the things i do.. but truly really WHO AM I ...IN CHRIST. Is easy to say to others. But when seriously when you have nothing. This is when you really have to remind yourself and soak yourself in His word/truth and really know for yourself that .. YOU ARE HIS. COMPLETELY HIS. YOU ARE HIS DAUGHTER, HIS PRECIOUS DAUGHTER. Nothing more nothing less. you don't need to do something.. you just need to be with HIM. That is what i do most in my 2.5 yrs, put on my worship cds ... and sit there for the whole cd.. and just soak myself in His presence.. . just pouring out to Him.. and just enjoy His comfort, His presence.. His sweet embrace.. (is very very therapeutic).

Anyway.. :)

Yes, something good happen to me lately.  after 2.5 yrs, this week's been awesome!

God's been gracious to me. He will never give you beyond what you cannot bear. This is true to me. In the midst of.. relocating to Melbourne, God has been really good to me - through all my lovely friends & family who given me the support and care and love.. not forgetting really my dearest hubby who really always give me the best support and care and love whenever I deserve the LEAST!! ... i am forever grateful. :)

Last week was a turning point to me.

I was battling inside my mind.. again..and i was praying in the spirit etc.. and that is when... the same day A girl from church asking me whether am i interested in sales and customer relation and she can get me in straight and start work next week. She is an amazing woman of God, when i arrived in Melb, she will constantly ask me how am i, checking on me and etc.. I am really grateful to God for her. Anyway, my first response of course is a NO. ME in sales and customer relation, ..er..hahahaha! no way! what happen was that night, we have young adults service and the pastor in the end of the service sense.. there is someone with depression and battling with suicidal thoughts here.. i couldn't contain myself when he mentioned that ..my tears kept free flowing.. He wouldn't know anything. God is real. He knows.

This girl who also didn't know anything ask again on Friday if I am interested. Because i was hesitant about this job that wasn't my forte you see. I don't think I can do this.. but she said  to me ' yes you can and i think you can do so much more!"..so i decided instead of staying at home and do nothing, why not just try meeting different people and... if i really dun like or etc, i can say no to her anytime. (To her,  i am grateful, because when i find it hard to see God, i see it in her.. i really believe that during people hardest time, we are little christ, we are His representative to the person.. never miss an opportunity to be that, for that, you  may save a life).

Anyway, ...

I have been working for 1 week! Yay! I am now working for this group of company that is a 3 and vodafone dealer as sales and customer relations representative.  It has been ..more than great for me. For someone who haven't work for 2.5 yrs, I really know what is 'BEING CONTENTED'. lol.. i am not joking. I have been tired yes, i wanted my bed straight. But, I am so happy when I am at work, I can't stop smiling to every customer..I am so eager to learn and just have no time to think negative thoughts!! For many who didn't know, during my depression, I actually really struggle to go out of the house.. and take public transport or even talk to people on the phone (Strangers)..I just want to lock myself in the house. Is really EXTRA-HARD for me to do the above and I have to FORCE MYSELF if i really have to... and, this job requires me to take bus alone to work.. not only so, i have to call ...and call.. and call and we have unending customer in our shop etc.. lol... and... i am not so scared anymore. :)

To those who struggles, who went through that lowest time, .. dun be disheartened. Take heart. Because HE UNDERSTANDS and most of all HE IS REALLY WITH YOU. All these while that i went through my lowest moment, i struggle if He still care or love me.. but in my inner of inner heart.. i know HE IS WITH ME.  Just soak yourself in worship songs, let the songs/lyrics minister to you.. . cry out .. talk to Him ..and sometimes just sit and let Him minister to you.. He will.. He will stretch forth His hands and touch you.. and never let you go beyond what you cannot bear. His heart aches to see you cry, but dun believe in the LIES... lies that can even come from your family and friends and yourself! LET HIM WHISPER...to you...

WHO YOU REALLY ARE IN HIM.

Abba Father,
Thank You for these 2.5 yrs.. I know is NEVER WASTED.
Thank You for taking me through this lost and this pain, heartache
and depression, battling with my negative and suicidal thoughts.
Thank You that You never left me nor forsake me.
Thank YOU THAT I CAN BE COMPLETELY HONEST, TRANSPARENT
WITH YOu even when I am disappointed with You.. You are still forever gracious
and loving.. and know EXACTLY what You are up to with my life.
I love You Abba... Forgive me when I doubt Your love for me.. when I start to
believe in lies.. You are there to give me time and watch over me.. and wait for me
to come back to YOUR EMBRACE...AGAIN AND..AGAIN...AND AGAIN..
AND AGAIN...AND AGAIN..........

.... safest place to be ... <3 Again hear You whispering to me..
"you are My BELOVED daughter".

 amen!